Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

I really enjoy my morning routine. Not the whole getting out of bed and taking a shower and making my lunch and sitting in traffic and actually going to work part of my morning. That shit is for the birds. I enjoy the first fifteen to twenty minutes of my day when I run through a series of websites and phone games, ramping my brain up to functioning speed and basking in the calm before the metaphorical storm. The first stop of my day is my Firefox homepage, Google News, where I can feign being interested in domestic and international stories about terrorist threats and government shenanigans and disease outbreaks before I scroll down to peruse the Entertainment and Sports sections.
“Kenyan marathon star Rita Jeptoo receives two-year ban for doping” is the headline I saw this morning. “Okay,” I thought to myself, and continued reading half a dozen headlines about the looming super bowl squeezed around the occasional NBA or NHL or PGA highlight. The Jeptoo headline didn’t faze me, but not because marathon running is tedious and pointless, though I think it is. It didn’t impact me not because competitive running ranks #31 on my list of other sports I have more interest in,* but it’s true. The marathon winning doper was glossed over because cheating has become such a staple of our society (although admittedly I can’t comment on previous generations and iterations of culture and their tendencies to cheat) that I’m no longer appalled or outraged or even mildly surprised when the ‘news’ comes out. The reason that I’m not appalled or outraged or mildly surprised is because I just kind of assume that’s the case. And that is the bigger story.

We are just over 48 hours away from kickoff of the largest sporting event in the country and as of writing this, two of the top ten sports headlines focused on the possibility of a participating team purposely deflating the game footballs as to attain an advantage over their opponent in a cold and wet matchup two weeks ago. The hometown quarterback was able to grip and sling the balls easier, leading to a 38-point dismantling because apparently the NFL never thought it was an issue to have each team bring their own 12 balls to use during the game. Seems like something that folks would want to address, but I don’t run a league so who am I to comment? I agree that it likely did not have a significant outcome on the game, in-hand from the first drive, and I agree that if they did in fact cheat that it’s something that should punished, but I am concerned with the idea that everyone immediately thought that the Patriots must have done this on purpose. Given the questionable and shady history of the New England-based team, it seemed completely plausible that they would find a way to underinflate the game balls without the referees knowing to ensure their spot in the most prolific American sporting event.

Baseball had its lowest full-season run total in almost 40 years (1976) and new commissioner Rob Manfred is interested in ‘injecting additional offense in the game.’ Those of us who watch the game know that we are not far removed from what will forever be known as the steroid era, a time of immense offense when hat sizes grew like flowers in the spring and balls were hit farther than port-o-potty lines at Lollapalooza. PED’s effect on the current game is felt less on the field and more in the media, where decade-removed all-stars continue to pop up on the hall of fame ballots, a not-so-important-to-me-but-very-important-to-baseball-fans-worldwide aspect of the sport that commands more headlines than it ever deserved. We know the major players in the steroids conversation, but a name that I never associated with the enhancements is now blacklisted. “There’s no point in arguing that Mike Piazza belongs in the Hall of Fame. It’s not even a worthwhile debate. By any statistical measure, Piazza should be a lock for Cooperstown…” explains 25-year veteran writer for Newsday, David Lennon, a man I know nothing about but figured his article articulated a commonly shared opinion that coincidentally supported my theory. And my theory is that we just figured if you’re from that era, your numbers are fantastic, AND you are built like a man playing the wrong sport, you must have been using drugs. Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, John Smoltz, and Craig Biggio made the cut this year, but they don’t look the part so they don’t get the penalty.This topic is not relegated to sports. If I had to guess, Politics is full of successful folks that people assume cheated to get ahead, Monica Lewinsky-style. CEOs, bank heads, public school officials, your boss; name the industry, and I bet you can think of a few people that you think bent the rules to get ahead. And as a society, we don’t seem to care. We’ve become so desensitized to cheaters that we assume anyone that has success has cheated, and then we don’t care. Cheating is both a common topic of conversation and a common ignorance. We like to call out some cheaters that we don’t agree with, but draw the line behind others. It happens so much that the impact is becoming smaller and smaller, opening the window for more cheating. It’s a self-fulfilling pile of shit. The more we cheat, the less we care, the more we cheat, the less we care, and so-on.

I know my cheating record isn’t completely unblemished, up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start for starters, but I hope people don’t look at any of my success and think that I somehow beat the system to get ahead. I can’t say if the Patriots or Piazza or anyone is guilty of cheating because I don’t know the circumstances, but the mere fact that it wouldn’t surprise me if they were means a lot about who we are the choices we make. We've cheapened success by cheating to get there, a mark we all have to bare.

* 1. Baseball; 2. Football; 3. Basketball; 4. Hockey; 5. Soccer; 6. Golf; 7. Volleyball; 8. Lacrosse; 9. Tennis; 10. Rugby; 11.Snowboarding; 12. Cricket; 13. UFC; 14. Skateboarding; 15. Wrestling; 16. Diving; 17. Swimming; 18. Gymnastics; 19. Racket Ball; 20. Handball; 21. Pickle Ball; 22. Jai Lai; 23. Polo; 24. Water Polo; 25. Bowling; 26. Skiing; 27. Curling; 28. Badminton; 29. Frisbee; 30. NASCAR; 31. Running

Baareaking the Law, Breaking the Law

For the first ten or so miles of my drive, depending on when I leave, I progress predominantly significantly below the posted or non-posted speed limit. After six or so years of driving twenty or more miles on the reverse commute to work, there are not many better feelings than the moment that traffic starts to break up. During the drive up 94, this happens almost immediately after passing under the bridge of Old Orchard Road. For the drive out on 90 that I’m currently facing on an almost daily basis, it starts to loosen after Canfield but can’t be considered completely broken up until after the toll, at least as long as the construction slumbers on. From my experience on 290, it’s hell until 294 so don’t get your hopes up. I’m not too familiar with the commute on 55, but might get acquainted in the near future. But in that instant, when the space between cars grows linearly ahead of you, what’s the first action of the collective group? LET’S GO FFFFFAST!! The speed limit is 55mph. Fifty five. Five five. Have you ever actually driven 55 on an expressway in light traffic? You’re getting passed by kites. Your car hasn’t gotten out of 3^rd gear. It’s embarrassing. Model Ts are breathing down your neck. Morning commute traffic in the left lane moves between 70 and 75. This is agreed upon, acceptable, and apparently still cool through construction zones. Every day, hundreds of thousands of people are making a collective to decision to break the law. And everyone’s okay with this.

Speaking of my morning commute in case there was any doubt where I do most of my thinking, I see probably two hundred unique motorists every day, and apparently I find myself among the company of some very important people. How could I make such a declaration? Why, by the copious amount of people that is holding a glowing rectangle in front of their face. What other explanation could there be? Illinois has recently gone blanket phoneless, which means if you’re holding your phone and operating a motor vehicle, you my friend are breaking the law. Hands free does not mean speaker phone while you hold the phone 12 inches from your face and gab with your bestie. That’s not hands-free, that’s hands. In addition to being in danger of receiving a ticket, you’re in danger of dying. There isn’t one person in world, that’s over seven billion people, that could argue that it’s safer to drive while operating a cell phone. But I do. Yesterday I searched for a Bill Simmons podcast on Grantland, loaded it, hit play, and plugged it into my car adapter, all while operating a vehicle. Thankfully my stick shift driving days have taken a leave of absence, but there I was, breaking the law and putting my life in danger. Granted I try to minimize my exposure and keep my eyes on the road, but let’s be honest, I’m an idiot. And I’m in good company.

Rolling stop signs. Running orange lights (you know, that color between yellow and red that everyone sees as green). Cruising through a no turn on red. Crossing over solid lines. Abandoning your turn signal. Ignoring your headlights. Blasting your music. Parking wherever you want with your flashers on. Changing lanes in the middle of an intersection.

Why do we feel impermeable while we’re driving? How many laws do you break on a daily basis that doesn’t occur when you’re in an automobile? Jay-walking… I think that starts and ends my list. If I was living in Hong Kong I could include spitting in public.

Cars have become our suit of armor. We are Tony Stark when behind the wheel. Is it because people can’t see my face? I’m somehow obscured and protected in a way that allows me to violate laws? I must just think that it’s the machine that’s breaking the law, not the user. What other possible explanation could there be for such a blatant disregard of the rules and guidelines that our society has agreed upon? We don’t have put a face with committing the crime so it’s okay. What cowardice! Driving around like the big bad wolf on Wall Street while we cower like the little pigs on foot. For shame.

I’m not advocating committing more crimes outside of your vehicle. And I’m not entirely sure I’m going to start abiding by the speed limit, making two-second stops at stop signs, and parking legally one hundred percent of the time. But there’s something mildly unnerving about our law-breaking frequency when we’re behind the wheel of a two-thousand pound deadly weapon.