Rainbows and Butterflies

Yesterday, I had a shitty day. If this was the kind of blog that everybody assumes it is when I tell people I write a blog, I’d probably spend the next few paragraphs explaining the details of the shitty day in melodramatic, self-centered prose, hoping that anyone reading might be willing to feel sorry for me and I would feel justified, united by relatable circumstances. But I don’t write one of those, so I’ll spare you the details. It was one of those days where, aside from the always entertaining episode of Game of Thrones I watched, the bad shit just kind of kept piling on top of itself in different iterations, culminating in a night of sleep so poor, I can’t remember the last time I experienced anything like it. I literally couldn’t stop my mind from wandering back over the parts of my day that left me in such a weary state. That’s not a good place to be. Especially considering how well everything in my life has been going for so long, now. Sometimes, when the cards keep coming up aces, you convince yourself that it’s never going to stop. So when the shit card gets flipped, its way more of a surprise than it should be. Consider this my fault. It rains in paradise, too.

So this morning I was faced with a decision. Not just ‘how much longer can I stay in bed to make up for the abbreviated segments of unrewarding pauses that we’ll call sleep while still making it to work in time to squeeze in 8 hours and a workout before the gym closes at 7,’ although that crossed my mind. No what I had to do was decide how to react. Bad news happens. Bad things happen. And while continuing to write in vague details, let’s just say I had the choice of dwelling on the past or moving on to the future. I can assure you, it would have been very easy to dwell on the past. To delve into each or any of the less than fortunate situations that I find myself in and break it or them down with more depth than an NBA on TNT halftime show. The opportunity to feel bad for myself was laid out like a fleece blanket on a cold night. More than just available, but tempting, inviting, alluring.

I’ve spared you the details of why I had a shitty day not only because I’m almost positive no one wants to read them, but to write about them now would reinforce my inability to let them go. Instead, I’m writing to prove that I can, in fact, let them go. And that’s what is keeping me happy today. Well, at least part of it.

It’s easy to have people tell you to focus on the positives, the silver linings, the glass-half-full side. It’s easy for people to tell you to focus on other stuff, big stuff, like health, a job, friends. It’s easy to get caught up in American Beautyisms like ‘I need to remember… sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world…’ in order to maintain your sanity. But being thankful for my health isn’t enough to pull me away from something right here, now, that just rocked my world. The only way to do that is to make a decision. Making that decision isn’t easy. It is not the path of least resistance. But once you’re able to flick that switch, and decide, not hope, not plan on, not try to, but decide that what’s done is done, and the future will be brighter than the past, then that’s it. It’s black and white. There’s no second guessing. There’s no regret. There’s what happened, and what will happen. And your eyes are only looking at one of them.

I’m not saying that what I endured yesterday was catastrophic. In fact, writing the word ‘endured’ makes it seem much loftier than reality. Maybe I can say that because I’ve moved on (last night, ‘endure’ was the only thing on my mind), or maybe I’m just being dramatic. It’s hard to say for sure. And the same way that no one will ever get to feel someone else’s pain, no one will know what it was like in my head under the covers last night. Which is a good thing. But I’m a believer in what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and only the strong survive, so where would I be today if I rolled back over, closed my eyes, and replayed everything I did or didn’t do that lead me here? I’m not all rainbows and butterflies today, but let’s be honest, that’s a pretty elevated goal.

Being happy isn’t a result, it’s a choice. You’ve just got to have the will power to make it. 

Picture comment: I literally found this picture AFTER I wrote the above line. Fate?