This was an response to a friend that sent a very challenging email with phenomenal perspective on me and how I act. Thought I would share a little bit of self-explanation instead of sharing my thoughts on everything else, for a change...
It's taken me a long time to figure out who I am. A big turn happened junior year of college. And a lot of what was started there has culminated into who you see now, gallivanting around town and dance floors like I actually know what I'm doing. But as we all know, or should know, we can't do anything more than cast out an educated guess and hope that we stepped with the right foot. Which of course is to say, no one should be convinced that their path is made in stone. You don't pour cement for the sidewalk of your life, you just clear a trail wide enough to be changed without disturbing the environment. Since, in the end, all we're doing is guessing. It'd be foolish to put all your chips on the table for a guess. Then again, I was never much of a gambler.
in the same way that the first paragraph directly influences the direction of the rest of the essay, the grounded thoughts and morals and ideals that I pride myself on actually knowing, continually influence pretty much every decision I make. And many of these foundation bits don't necessarily directly impact my daily life, at least not obviously, there are aspects of them that lead me to a certain way of living life. And I'm pretty sure the idea of being a perfectionist lists pretty high on one of those 'how you affect my daily life' type of things my life has been constructed around.
Perfectionism should really only apply to the things I do or that affect my life, which, as you appropriately pointed out, the way you text would not fall into that category. But obviously there are more parts to this equation besides my eager desire for everything to be perfect and make sense. There is definitely an aspect of 'well, i knew this, why didn't you know this. my IQ is higher than you.' Most affectionately seen when baseball is brought up, since, and this may not be an exaggeration, even if I've been known to exaggerate as well, but I might actually know more about baseball than anyone i know, ex-coaches excluded. At least some of them. But baseball aside, I do believe that my perspectives tend to be not necessarily always right, but always considered and intelligent, or at least logical. There are very few things that I've only looked at from one angle. And I may see it as trying to help the person I'm talking to, but I'm sure they're just standing there thinking what an asshole I am because I think I know enough to run the world (I would have some good ideas though).
So I guess there is a notion of trying to help, but unless someone is willing to listen, or change, I end up just pissing people off. And there are ways to point these things out constructively, and obviously I struggle in that territory, but a part of me really doesn't have an interest in changing this habit. Bear with me... Being this way keeps me challenged. Of course I don't listen for a mistake, but I'm pretty committed to listening to everything I hear, and it keeps me sharp to hear inaccuracies and attempt to correct them. And I don't always intend to do it in a combative tone, it just comes out that way. I find myself arguing a point I don't actually believe, just to get people thinking about the other side of the argument. I play devil's advocate why? I don't know, I guess I find it fun to get engaged in persuasive conversation. (see 'Heated Argument')
So explaining all that makes sense, but looking at this as a form of a defense mechanism is also a factor. Confidence never ranked very high on the 'traits that chris lazzerini possesses' list. In fact, until very recently, I had none. Not one shred. And even now, if we're comparing this to rivers, Brad Pitt being the amazon, I'm probably like the Illinois River. Definitely not a stream anymore, but I'm not capsizing cargo ships anytime soon... So yes, I resort to humor. I resort to proving my 'quick wit' and being a little antagonistic, a little sarcastic. I want to prove myself as full proof. Impregnable. Without holes. So I fight back at any point, thinking anything less would be a chink in my armor. And as much as I don't believe that, it doesn't stop me from doing it. Trust me, I know I'm flawed. The idea of 'not trying hard' is an awesome one. And I could reel off a plethora of quotes that I try to live by. But I still fall into the same traps. While I consider myself an open book, void of secrets, the part of me I try to cover up more than anything is my past. No one wants to talk to a sad sap that spent most of his high school on aol. ...and you wonder how i got good at typing what i feel. I make people laugh because it saves me from engaging in legitimate conversation. Maybe because I divulge too much, too fast, or because if I keep talking, I'll probably just end up insulting them, or arguing with them about some trivial, I still tend to lean towards a hefty spoonful of sarcasm when put in social situations. And I've said some terrible things for the cause of a laugh, when it's not aways appropriate to be funny. And obviously I feel strain to change eeeeverything I just talked about. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't working on it. But just like in golf, you can think that everything you've learned over the last week is going to change the way you play, but once you're back on the course, your swing falls into those same habits. Why? It's natural, and it's safe, even if ineffective.
I'm a strange kid. If you hadn't already noticed. No opinion or example could ever be more halved, two-faced, di-chromatic, or whatever other dual-thinged comparison I can make, than me. And that probably isn't the best way to describe it, since I'm more than just two different things. I'm like 20 different things. I'm like a rubix cube. Lots of related colors that tend to line up, and lots of different colors that keep screwing everything up, especially when you're so close to figuring the whole thing out. And as much as this garbage pile pulls me in different directions and keeps me from fully achieving any accomplishment in one direction, I still believe that pure nature of the sum of many different parts puts together a balanced human being. Something I may have mentioned before. Sometimes I feel like I'll never truly be a part of something because there's always something pulling me in a different direction. But most of the time I feel good that there's something to keep me away from the extremes. And you know how much I hate extremes. I want to listen to country, and metal, and rap. I want to ballroom dance and play softball. I want to write a blog and watch a movie. I want to drink wine at the park and slam beers at the bar. I want to wear ripped up jeans and shirts and ties. I want to tell jokes and sad stories. I want to laugh and cry. I want to have fun and feel pain. I want to hang with the guys and chill with the girls. I want to go on vacations and enjoy my home town. I want to stay close to my friends and meet new people. I want to hook up with girls and find my true love. But the only thing I'm sure of is I want to enjoy life, get the most out of it, and bring joy to other people. Which, as of recently, I'm beginning to see the areas of my life where I can improve a little more clearly.
I challenge you to do the same thing. You never know who's life you're affecting. Strength has more faces than people realize. But real eyes need to be able to see their own strengths, and know what force they can be deployed at. Or, if they're even strengths at all. For there is nothing more dangerous that a weakness being thought of as a strength.
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