Ex Factor

Most of us have exes. Ex-girlfriends and Ex-boyfriends. People we broke up with. People that dumped us. Mutual break-ups and loud break-offs. As usual, I'm not reporting news, just getting the ball rolling.

I lead in with this to get my thoughts processing on exes in general. I recently asked someone if they miss their exes. There were a lot of different directions to take this, so let's see how many I can touch before my battery dies on me.

1.) To some extent, I miss all my exes. No, there aren't a slew of them to pick from. I haven't played the dating game as well as some of my peers. But the ones that I did have an extended attachment to, regardless of the way it ended or how long its been, still hold a special enough place in my heart to allow me to miss them. And I think it's natural to, because you end up remembering their good characteristics. So whatever drove you two apart in the first place doesn't shine through as much as why you liked them in the first place.

2.) I also think that idea applies way more when you are single, as opposed to being in a happy relationship. Maybe I miss the idea of them, sometimes, since those thoughts can be idealistic, as opposed to the actual person. So while you may be completely different people, and if you bumped into them on the street, you might find the attraction and passion you once shared has completely vanished, but that doesn't change the memory of what once was.

3.) I would also think that the way the relationship ended would have some impact on your current feelings. If someone you cared about truly obliterated your feelings, they may not be remembered in so fond of a light. But that's a little more obvious. But even if the relationship crashed and burned like a zeppelin, it can still give you a benchmark to use as a reference for any other prospect. Whether that's fair or not, it gives you a relative comparison that will either help you to make smart decisions or inhibit you from making adventurous decisions.

4.) Getting past 'memories' and other ways of remembering those we have dated, what about those that still find themselves in our lives? Is it acceptable to still be friends with your exes? Can you have lunch or dinner or coffee without digging up those old feelings or recreating what once was? Is it healthy to maintain ties with someone you once cared for, or are you simply holding on to a past that should have moved on? Will holding on to that past condemn you to repeating what didn't work in the first place? Are you setting yourself up to ruin something in the present, or have you matured to a point of mutual respect, appreciation, and general concern for those that once occupied a sincere place in your heart?

The last section was laced with questions since I don't think I have the answers. Not with my experience. And while I'd like to wager some guesses, I think maybe I'll just deal with the situations when they arise and hope my decisions leave a positive mark on my body, as opposed to a damaging scar.

Change Control

When are we going to let go of the things we can't control? Or maybe I should make this one personal. I feel I generalize my personal opinions, attempting to standardize my point of view across a large spectrum. But maybe this is an instance where I don't really follow the general flow, and can't find the right sequence of words that would convince anyone that the way I am in correct. Or maybe I don't want to explore that possible combination, since I in fact do not agree with the way I am. But how often are we truly able to change the way we are?

My lead in to this little outburst was letting go of things we can't control. Depending on the situation, it can be hard for me to accept that no matter my efforts, no matter my charm or wit or intelligence or logic, there are situations that are decided by other factors, or have already been decided. I guess it's pretty simple to figure out why this could be a problem. So since I already exhausted that topic, let's move on.

Two topics, one post. Consider yourself lucky.

So can we actually change ourselves? Seriously. We can change the way we act and change the way we eat and change the people we talk to and change the shows we watch, but deep down, seventeen layers under the skin that we reside in, are we any different?

The answer is yes. The answer is 100% yes. People, classes, books, hell tv shows, jokes, everything. It all changes us. So as much as me not getting along with the inability to control situations can be changed. So then maybe it's not the situations that need to be changed, but it's me that could use a change. And it's not impossible to do that these days.

So maybe I need an addendum to one of my favorite quotes. 'If you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you look at it.' Well if you can't change the way you look at, maybe you can change yourself. Maybe.