Natural Default-Setting

I recently read an old commencement speech given by David Foster Wallace to Kenyon College in May of 2005. DFW is an author that I have come to realize possessed several similar qualities of my own writing, thus peaking my interest in this legendary, unfortunately deceased writer. While this speech is only the tip of what I hope to be a lengthy and enjoyable adventure in his writing, it has, almost immediately, left me changing my ways and thoughts and analyzing my day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute thoughts, actions, and approaches. Sounds like me already, huh?

I am going to give a brief, brief, brief summary of his speech, but if you have the time, I highly suggest you taking the 10 minutes to read this. It is top shelf material. So the overall, if you absolutely had to sum this up in two sentences type message is that we, as a people, are programmed to the 'natural default-setting' of living, which basically entails ourselves as the center of the universe, the focal point of existence, and every experience in the world is from our perspective, with us as the main character, and with everyone else as the supporting cast. His ultimate piece of advice is that 'most days, if you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at...' and fill in the blank, whether it's the inconsiderate prick talking on his cell phone swerving through traffic, the miserable parent that's dragging a kid through Old Navy, or just an unruly neighbor playing music too loud.

While there are literally thousands of words I could spew at this, and have no shame in drawing obvious comparisons to some of my own writing (cough cough Quick to Judge), I am choosing to ground this in not only something that I am very nearly in the future going to experience, but something that a large percentage of people don't seem to understand, yet have not thought about it in the proper context. And so even though this might not have been the most direct point DFW was trying to convey, this is just one way I want to run with it. Excited? Then keep reading.

So for years now, between bringing Rage Against the Machine into my 3rd grade music class to sneaking into my brother's room to listen to a Machine Head CD, I have been somewhat of a metal head. And from my first concert, seeing Fear Factory at the Metro when I was 13 years old, to my most recent concert, seeing Fear Factory at the Metro last Tuesday, I have loved the feelings, passions, motions, movements, and environments that a metal concert brings. And with every genre of music comes its own form of dancing. For heavy metal, this is known as moshing. And for over 11 years, moshing has been a part of my life. It is my firm belief that moshing is one of, if not the single most exhausting activities one can engage in. That's an assinine statement for me to make, considering such things like the ironman competition, but when thought of in a relative manner, meaning that moshing only takes place for 1, maybe 2 minutes at a time for 8, maybe 9 songs in a set, if you extrapolated this activity at a constant rate over the course of, say, an hour, well I just don't think you would find people alive on the other side. Moshing is brutal, seems barbaric, and in many ways is. You walk away sore, tired, bruised, out of breath, sweaty, and possibly seriously injured.

So why in anyone's right mind would you choose to participate in something that is most obviously detrimental and possibly seriously dangerous?

Well there are several reasons. At some point, it's like a badge of courage. 'Did you see that pit for Lamb of God at Ozzfest??? Yeahh, I was there.' It's the way us metal heads express our love and passion for the music. But in relevance to this piece, like DFW tries to convey, it is an unreal event that allows the inividual to lose sight of him or herself as the center of the world and be a part of something bigger, something that embodies an entire genre of music, something that people can show their friends on youtube the next day, and something that the bands feed off of, inspiring more crazy, passionate, ass-kicking music to rattle the crowd with.

In a mosh pit, there are no classes, no races, no ages. The playing field is leveled. Well, besides the differences in size. But, for the sake of the music, all differences are set aside in order to join together in an appreciation of the music and each other, knowing we are all bound together by what has so often cast us out.

So for those moments, banging, clashing, and colliding with each other, we have forgotten ourselves as the center of the world. And it is in this way, we have altered our natural default-setting.

And for those of you that didn't believe me after reading this, my skinny, shirtless, khaki cargo short wearing body is seen skipping through this Hatebreed pit...

Keep Myself in Check

So I have claimed several different reasons for starting and continuing writing in this thing. Mainly because I wanted my words to have a more formal, reachable platform for the world to consume, hoping to encourage and enlighten even the nayest of sayers, but I also had a lot of personal reasons for this constant and consistent pursuit of writing as a tool. It is only recently that I have discovered what might prove to be the most valuable reason yet. It is my firm belief that giving advice, in all forms, is often lost on the giver. I believe I have touched on this topic before: Heed. So with that in mind, I can say that the majority of the time that I fill these pages with seemingly mindless wanderings, that really I'm spitting out a different version of some sort of life lesson. That's not to say I sit here and try to preach my beliefs and get the world to live the same way that I carry on, but it's just to give some perspective and get people to challenge some of their own preconceived notions. If you equate what I just described with a mild form of broad advice, using my own life as the spring board, then you can also see how the man behind the lens sometimes forgets what its like to point the camera back.

What I'm trying to say is that having documented displays of my thoughts allows me to keep myself in check when I occasionally veer off my own sets of standards and theories.

So I can't find the quote buried beneath the 57,000 words that I've written in this blog, but at one point, I claimed that feeling vulnerable is how we know we're still alive. If you take it to the other extreme, if you can live your life without a care in the world, literally carefree, then in some ways, you're above living, off the ground, not quite stabled in reality. For the rest of us, when we're on a roll, and life is treating us well, whether it's sipping mojitos on a porch in the summer or cuddling up with your pup and a blanket on a cold, December night, you tend to skip over life like a hydroplaning vehicle, slow down and you might sink, but maintain speed and you keep your momentum. This then resembles the carefree liver who spends time experiencing anti-gravity, not literally. But the idea of being vulnerable, of someone having the ability to hurt you, of exposing enough of yourself to allow pain in, not only does it mean that there was a connection strong enough to cause the various degrees of suffering, but also that you're not too far above reality to realize that we're all delicate to an extent, fragile in a sense, and need to be treated as such.

This is where I needed the check. I needed the reminder that above it all, what I have makes me fortunate. And beyond that, what I feel now is a direct result of what felt before. And even though recent events haven't played out quite like I envisioned or if nothing else, strongly hoped, I should still be able to take solace in realizing the raw nature of what has happened, take the positives, and grow as a person. This should be the process for most things in life that don't go your way, and when you're trying to battle, fight off the empty feeling in your stomach, this might be the only thing that pulls you out of the tailspin.

I was able to make my way through this by remembering my own words. Instead of searching through lyrics and quotes and the words of others, trying to find the right combination to accurately describe my descending mood, the most logical piece of information was lost amidst my own thoughts, armed with enough artillery to combat that empty but powerful lack of gusto that bad news can create.

And to make matters even better, this only further continues my pursuit to take back control of my life. When the words of others that tried to pick me up fell on deaf ears, me rejecting the comfort, I became self-sufficient, capable of righting my own ship and getting me back to everything and everyone I love. Next time you find yourself caught in a downward spiral, whatever the cause and however severe, see if you have what it takes to be strong enough to help yourself, find a way to use your own resources, and prove that no matter what obstacle appears, next time, you'll know there's nothing you can't take on.

Taking Back Control

I just read a handful of quotes about advice in an attempt to do some research for this post, and I guess I came to some sort of conclusion, which is the reason I'm bothering to write this down. As someone who openly claims to be an over-thinker, over-planner, and over-analyzer, it's no surprise to find out that I often seek out advice, tips, pointers, guidelines, and any other possibly helpful bits of information that will keep me pointed in the right direction and moving forward. On the other hand, my advice giving skills have been known to reach rather ludicrous proportions. I have a friend that is so convinced that my advice is almost always nail-on-the-head type stuff that she had her friend, whom I had never met, tell me the story about a problem in her life, seeking my council. So I listened to someone I had never met tell me a story about people I didn't know, and on the spot, spewed out guidance like I actually knew what I was talking about. And it was good.

So now that my 'advice' qualifications and credentials have been established, let's look at what advice actually is. The best quote I've seen on this topic is, "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." Sure there are times when you are just completely ignorant about a topic, and have nothing to base an opinion on, so you must ask someone and get some council, but those aren't true situations of advice. I think of advice more of needing to make a decision, choose between 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 different outcomes. There might be times when you really think that you don't know what to do, that you're stuck in an unbelievably impossible situation, rock and a hard place spot, but even in those drastic situations, you probably have a pretty decent idea what to do, you just haven't let yourself think it enough to be your decision. Think back over all the times that you ever asked someone for advice. That's impossible. Think about the most recent times, ones that are still logged in your short term memory. Were you really in dire need of assistance, caught in a terrible dilemma, or did you kind of already have an idea in mind, and you just wanted that person to affirm what you already had decided?

Personally, I agree with that quote I referenced. Most of the time, people aren't shedding new light on a situation. If I'm to the point where I'm asking someone about it, then that means I've thought about it for a long time. And if I've thought about it for a lot of time, and put in the research hours, there's a really good chance that my mind is already leaning one way. All I want from the advisor is to give me a boost in that direction, even if it's a direction I don't want to go.

But the problem with advice is it takes some of the responsibility out of your hands, and that's something that I'm beginning to be intolerable with. Yes, there are times when I want to consult someone with more experience, knowledge, and expertise if there is something that I'm newer to, that's obvious. And I know that learning from other's mistakes is a valuable skill in life. If you can reap the benefits of someone else's falls, then you can keep your knees and elbows from getting scarred and continue on your journey. Sounds good in theory. But I don't think you can go through life, living through other people's experiences. You can tell a kid a hundred times that fire is hot, but they won't learn it until they stick their hand in a flame. Same goes with adults. And even worse, I don't think adults learn as well as kids do. Once a 4 year old realizes that the blaze of a fire can be painful to touch, they aren't really in the market for round two, and don't usually go back to playing with fire until their destructive teenage years. We adults will make some of the same mistakes and wrong steps countless times as we navigate our 'mature' years. But that's beside the point.

Again, you can't go through life using other people's mistakes as your own stepping stones. Because if things don't go according to plan, you're stuck looking back on a list of horror stories and tragic tales that you sought out from other people. That doesn't sit well with me. Mainly because we're all wired differently, built differently, composed of the same parts, but we're all running different software. Someone else can experience the exact same event in a far different way. I know you try to seek out advice from people that you deem like-minded, so you can trust their opinion, but like I just freaking said, none of us were hooked up by the same technician.

I have spent so much time invoking the opinions of my friends and peers and colleagues and family that I have begun to forget who I am as a decision maker. This seems startling to read. I base too much of what I do on the opinions of others. And this is, in no way, any sort of slight to my friends, peers, colleagues, and family members, but when it comes to life experiences, there is no one more fit to make a decision than me. No one knows me better than me, and no one will have to bear the weight of my decisions. I'm going to end this with two quotes, since "Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong."

"This is me taking back control of my life."

Be the Change

If you had to get one phrase, one lyric, one quote, one saying, one piece of sage like wisdom to live by, tattooed on your body, branded into your skin, permanently fixated to you, what would you pick?

I don't really have an answer, because I think it would take a lot for me to finally decide on something. But I have an idea. It's a phrase that I seem to come across more and more, and truly embodies the relatively significant change that happened in my life late in college. It's something that sounds reasonably poetic, wouldn't take up too much room, and is something that I can't imagine that I'll ever not believe in. It's also a message that I want to spread. It was originally said by someone with unbelievable compassion for people, who inspired a positive life to anyone he came in contact with. All sounds gravy right? Well I thought about this for more than a few seconds and I had to have a decent answer, so here it is:

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mohandas Gandhi

I don't have life figured out. I don't have all the answers. In fact, I usually ask more questions than I answer. I've written about so many different little life theories, approaches, and moral tangents that my motto is pretty clear. Live a good life, do what you can to impact the lives of those around you in a positive way, and at the end of the day, you'll be able to sleep at night; the rest is out of your control. But this high level explanation doesn't really include the day to day activities, the nitty gritty, the interactions with people, the words I choose, the stories I tell, and the actions that I perpetuate. And I guess that's where I see this quote fitting in.

I say that I don't have life figured out, because I don't want to ever come across as a preacher. I say I don't have all the answers, because surely I am no stranger to being wrong. And so when situations in life arise where I have an opportunity to divulge my views to help, change, inspire, motivate, or in some way life alter, just spewing out little tidbits of wisdom can't nearly be enough to penetrate a layer of mental programming and create a new perspective.

Because the more you hear, the more you doubt. Tell me you're not sick of reports on the news about what foods are good for you or bad for you. Jelly Beans can help prevent cancer? Great. They can also make you fat? Oh, so I shouldn't eat 45 beans a day? Oh okay. I'm pretty sure, assessing the spectrum of food, we can pretty much, as a society, figure out the foods that aren't good for you, and should be taken in moderation, and the foods that are good for you, and you should try to eat more of. I know, I know, I just said I didn't have all the answers, and just went on a rant claiming to be right, but the point is, countless assertions about any topic saturates all the meanings. Words, as they say, would fall deaf ears.

We are a generation that has been talked at for years of an education. Everything we learned was from a book, or a chalk board, or the mouth of a teacher. So even after the nuggets of knowledge that told us otherwise, 'a picture is worth a thousand words,' and, 'actions speak louder than words,' nothing sinks in.

Finally leads me to my point. And maybe I take something out of the quote that Gandhi wasn't intending, but that's the beauty of literature, writing, poetry, quotes, you pull out any meaning you see. So besides not being a hypocrite, and living a life opposite of the way you wish the world worked, I also see an element of 'talk is cheap,' so to speak. And talk is cheap, because with the amount of dialogue the average person is inundated with throughout the course of a lifetime, the only way to truly begin to turns the gears of change is to lead by example.

This is not a fast process, this does not scream revolution, and by no means will this behavior reside in a spotlight like a rousing, passionate speech, but there are significant moments in history that can be marked by a simple action. Go research examples if you really can't think of any. But I wouldn't write this whole thing because of a few monumental historical instances in time. Situations don't always open up to you like automatic doors at Jewel, they're not that obvious. So you shouldn't be so confined to these designated opportunities. Yes, this is still 'high level,' but the small actions that you can portray keep this grounded. If you don't want people to ride your ass in traffic, then travel at a safe distance from the car in front of you. Hate it when someone leaves the seat of a public restroom up so you have to grab the diseased thing? Make sure you never repeat the favor, even if you're angry at the world. Get offended when people use derogatory slang? Just calling people out on it won't change who they are, but make a conscious effort to eliminate those words from your vocabulary, and who knows, maybe people will catch on.

There is nothing small enough in the world that isn't worth doing yourself, if it is something you believe in. Your efforts will unconsciously and almost undetectably affect the rest of us. If there is something that you see in this world that bothers you, upsets you, or shines poorly on who we are as a combined society, then you only have one choice: Be the change you wish to see in the world.