Taking Back Control

I just read a handful of quotes about advice in an attempt to do some research for this post, and I guess I came to some sort of conclusion, which is the reason I'm bothering to write this down. As someone who openly claims to be an over-thinker, over-planner, and over-analyzer, it's no surprise to find out that I often seek out advice, tips, pointers, guidelines, and any other possibly helpful bits of information that will keep me pointed in the right direction and moving forward. On the other hand, my advice giving skills have been known to reach rather ludicrous proportions. I have a friend that is so convinced that my advice is almost always nail-on-the-head type stuff that she had her friend, whom I had never met, tell me the story about a problem in her life, seeking my council. So I listened to someone I had never met tell me a story about people I didn't know, and on the spot, spewed out guidance like I actually knew what I was talking about. And it was good.

So now that my 'advice' qualifications and credentials have been established, let's look at what advice actually is. The best quote I've seen on this topic is, "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." Sure there are times when you are just completely ignorant about a topic, and have nothing to base an opinion on, so you must ask someone and get some council, but those aren't true situations of advice. I think of advice more of needing to make a decision, choose between 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 different outcomes. There might be times when you really think that you don't know what to do, that you're stuck in an unbelievably impossible situation, rock and a hard place spot, but even in those drastic situations, you probably have a pretty decent idea what to do, you just haven't let yourself think it enough to be your decision. Think back over all the times that you ever asked someone for advice. That's impossible. Think about the most recent times, ones that are still logged in your short term memory. Were you really in dire need of assistance, caught in a terrible dilemma, or did you kind of already have an idea in mind, and you just wanted that person to affirm what you already had decided?

Personally, I agree with that quote I referenced. Most of the time, people aren't shedding new light on a situation. If I'm to the point where I'm asking someone about it, then that means I've thought about it for a long time. And if I've thought about it for a lot of time, and put in the research hours, there's a really good chance that my mind is already leaning one way. All I want from the advisor is to give me a boost in that direction, even if it's a direction I don't want to go.

But the problem with advice is it takes some of the responsibility out of your hands, and that's something that I'm beginning to be intolerable with. Yes, there are times when I want to consult someone with more experience, knowledge, and expertise if there is something that I'm newer to, that's obvious. And I know that learning from other's mistakes is a valuable skill in life. If you can reap the benefits of someone else's falls, then you can keep your knees and elbows from getting scarred and continue on your journey. Sounds good in theory. But I don't think you can go through life, living through other people's experiences. You can tell a kid a hundred times that fire is hot, but they won't learn it until they stick their hand in a flame. Same goes with adults. And even worse, I don't think adults learn as well as kids do. Once a 4 year old realizes that the blaze of a fire can be painful to touch, they aren't really in the market for round two, and don't usually go back to playing with fire until their destructive teenage years. We adults will make some of the same mistakes and wrong steps countless times as we navigate our 'mature' years. But that's beside the point.

Again, you can't go through life using other people's mistakes as your own stepping stones. Because if things don't go according to plan, you're stuck looking back on a list of horror stories and tragic tales that you sought out from other people. That doesn't sit well with me. Mainly because we're all wired differently, built differently, composed of the same parts, but we're all running different software. Someone else can experience the exact same event in a far different way. I know you try to seek out advice from people that you deem like-minded, so you can trust their opinion, but like I just freaking said, none of us were hooked up by the same technician.

I have spent so much time invoking the opinions of my friends and peers and colleagues and family that I have begun to forget who I am as a decision maker. This seems startling to read. I base too much of what I do on the opinions of others. And this is, in no way, any sort of slight to my friends, peers, colleagues, and family members, but when it comes to life experiences, there is no one more fit to make a decision than me. No one knows me better than me, and no one will have to bear the weight of my decisions. I'm going to end this with two quotes, since "Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong."

"This is me taking back control of my life."