Roll With the Changes

Those of you who know me know that I'm a bit of a planner. Understatement of the year nominee. But in the same way that the gang from It's Always Sunny knows that 'technique don't mean shit on the street,' there are certain situations when planning is the last thing you'll need to get by.

Usually this is the point of a post where I launch into some painfully long scenario of when planning is the perfect tool for success, and then a contrasting scenario in which reacting to unforeseen complications is the only way to survive. And if I wanted to fill the page with empty prose, why, I could do that. But let's get philosophical.

It's been hard for me to be able to enter situations without a plan, and this goes across the board. Driving trips, date nights, weekend plans, group vacations, lunch errands, breakfast ingredients, whatever; usually, I'm on the ball. Entering into a situation where I didn't have a plan meant that I didn't have an out. As DeNiro says in Ronin, "I never walk into a place I don't know how to walk out of." And that's how I approached almost every situation. Without an exit strategy, without knowledge of what you're getting yourself into, how can you possibly feel comfortable? I don't know if I just lacked the confidence to be physically, socially, mentally, or emotionally secure in my surroundings, or if planning was something that I knew I could depend on, but for a large chunk of my life, this way of living seemed to pay off. For the most part, people kinda knew they could trust me. I had a friend who offered to describe me in one word, and went with 'dependable.' Needless to say, at that time in my life, I took that as a compliment. What better way to describe someone as dependable, able to be trusted, counted on to always come through, no questions asked, nothing taken for granted, no room for disappointment, no excuses for failure. Right?

Well, as DeNiro says in Heat, 'you know there's a flip side to that coin.' And this is going to bleed into something that I have belabored for years. Is too much of me thought out? And I guess this bridges a lot of different topics. But in general, as a decision on how to live and approach life, is there harm in falling back on winging it, figuring that everything will turn out fine, or is there just an inherent stroke of immaturity in that painting? More and more, I'm learning to take things as they come and as they are. I look to thrive in situations of uneasiness. I look to roll with the punches. And for anyone that's been around me recently, roll with the punches is the closest thing to a life creed that I've adopted. Partly because I get to blast REO and sing 'Roll With the Changes' for my theme song, but also because you really don't have any other options besides to roll with the changes as they come.

If you spend your entire life planning, then how are you going to react when something doesn't go according to plan, when chaos is introduced? If you spend your life jumping from stone to stone, figuring out which ones aren't stable enough to stop on, then how are you ever going to produce a long term outcome of buying a house, starting a family, or saving for retirement? Is the answer, GASP, balance? Well I don't know, probably. But if you feel yourself falling too deep into one lifestyle or the other, consider the consequences, and like Michael Jackson says, 'make that change.'

Where Does Your Motivation Come From?

When you're on the path, finishing your last mile, struggling to put one leg in front of the other, wavering as your feet lose feeling, where does your motivation to keep going come from? When your eyes are hazed over, barely able to concentrate on anything but the blinking cursor two feet from your face, fighting off outside distractions like a stalking feline, desperately trying to put intelligent thoughts into an project, where does your motivation to keep going come from? When you're cycling through pages of ads, flipping over digital cameras and half inch wide TVs, watching your future living room pass by, but donating your last free $100 to a charity, where does your motivation to keep going come from? When the traffic continues to build, row after row pour away from their work stations, the cleaning crew skips your cube, and you sacrifice dinner with your family to finish a report, where does your motivation to keep going come from?

There are hundreds of moments that you encounter throughout any given day that require various amount of motivation. And the motivation at each of these occurrences might draw from a different well. The severity of these will-testing moments is comparable to the depth of the will.

And so we spend our time fighting these battles, figuring out what burns inside of us and where it burns to successfully conquer the obstacles, pressures, and decisions that we choose to make with our lives. For something that takes focus, energy, patience, and certain amounts of determination, there must almost always be a decision, a source of the movement you have begun. So at the end of the day, why have you made this decision? What is your motivation?

I am guilty of proclaiming the human need to 'live in the now.' I find an unbelievable amount of satisfaction from the ability to step back and appreciate every breathing moment in my life. To be inspired by the insignificant and being amazed by the mundane. I have belabored the idea of this being a fulfilled life. That looking to the future only blurs the present. In fact, in Cuz You Gotta Have Goals... "Life can't be lived only looking forward or only looking back. The present is an amazing place to be." It is clear that I agree with this idea. So why bring this up? While watching a documentary on ESPN about Andres and Pablo Escobar (I recommend), I heard this quote:

"I find motivation in the good things to come."

In a similar perspective, the person that wants to go on a diet must look farther ahead than the present. If you're on a diet, but only care about today, well then you probably won't pass up that last doughnut at work. And if you're only thinking about the present, you probably won't sacrifice time with your family for a few extra hours in the office. And if you're only thinking about the present, you probably won't stay in to write instead of heading out with your friends. There is something to be said about the work you put in now. So while I don't want to discourage anyone from driving towards a goal, I think the only way to balance that drive is to make the goal attainable.

I still emphatically believe that there are dangers in wanting too much, and dangers in always being content with what you have, but if you believe that what you do every day can yield positive, life altering results, it's hard to argue against it. Just make sure the motivation you so desperately depend on is fueled from the right source. Misguided passion can leave detrimental pollution.

Mystery Science Theory

So last month I wrote about keeping secrets. If I may, "...leave the chaos that comes with covering the truth to the paid actors. The less you have to cover up, the more people will get to know the real you." Furthermore, I ended a post from over a year ago about 'not letting them see you coming' (a Devil's Advocate quote) with, "So here I am. Uncovered and raw. Take me as you find me. I offer no less. And I hope that's enough."

Well let's feed the idea that there are two sides to every story, while feeding my reputation of being a walking contradiction, and look at the flip side to that coin (and ignoring the three cliché phrases I used in that sentence).

I have previously acknowledged that there is something to be gained, and edge, you might say, by feeding the belief that you are weaker than your opponent. But I don't want to explore this idea in that context. Every situation in life isn't a fight, or confrontation. You're not always in need to have the upper hand. So the idea of being the underdog doesn't really relate to real life.

Family, friendships, relationships, etc.

There are worse things than keeping parts of your life under the bed, on the shelf, or out of the light. And there's a difference between being an open book and disclosing all your information. An open book still requires the effort and attention to detail of someone willing to search for results. This is drastically different than megaphoning your life story, secrets, fears, passions, and dreams for the world to hear.

It is healthy to be a little mysterious. Being mysterious doesn't imply you're hiding skeletons, but just that you reveal enough of yourself to keep attention, but don't give too much away to appear boring. People are often attracted to that which they do not know. The unknown is not only more powerful than the known, but its more appealing, holds more value. How many times will you take the grab bag instead of the prize already displayed? How many times are you intrigued by someone you don't know as opposed to those you see daily?

Does this mean it's the best decision? There is no best decision. But just be aware of what cards you show, and which ones you keep buried. You never know who is scoping your hand.

Mental Fantasy Image

So one mundane day, your friend tells you 'hey my girl's got this friend that would be perfect for you.' First reaction? Well, usually it's pretty exciting, assuming you trust your friend. Unless they are just trying to shove two of their loneliest friends together, you hope your friend knows you well enough to recommend someone that is compatible and desirable. This situation leads to maybe a group hangout, maybe straight to a first date. Assuming some reasonable attraction has grown, this situation will continue to jump from date to date, nights out to nights out, until a month or two has passed. I feel like I haven't done this in a long time: This is nothing new, I just described something everyone knows. But here's my launch pad.

If you skip along from getting together at dinner to hanging out at a bar to meeting some friends on a Friday night, assuming these interactions aren't leading to sex (call me old school), then you are only seeing this new interest in the best possible light. If this is your first date, you're putting on your knock out, home run outfit, you're making sure your hair is perfect, you're staying in the shower for an extra scrub, etc. We're talking best behavior at dinner, moderate drinks flowing at the bar, constant attention to details, trying hard to remember names and stories and backgrounds, holding doors, sporadic compliments, everything. And depending how long this masquerade continues, you could go 3, 4, 5 weeks, filled with this mental fantasy version of the person you've been 'getting to know.' Well, picture that mental fantasy image, and now try to figure out what percentage of that image is truly the accurate portrayal of this new fling.

So now you're in a situation where all the cliched, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days-esk bad habits and runaway-type traits pile up, completely reversing this perfect sculpture that was created. Now, I know this isn't always the case, so ignore that portion. And of course, not all details of a person can come out in the month or two of initial dating. But think about the little things. You only get to see their best 5 or 6 outfits. What if the rest of their closet is filled with stained, ripped, baggy fitting relics of previous, or worse, current wardrobes? Is that the end of the world? No. But is that what attracted you to this person in the first place? Well, probably not. Could this secretly be who you wish the person was, based on conversation and similar interests? Maybe. It's like interviewing a candidate who only has one suit. You might assume they're a sharp dressed man, but in reality, they're just a man with one suit.

What's to make of all this? Do you look at someone on a first date and think, 'well yeah they look nice, but what's the rest of their closet look like?' Do you notice a neatly folded napkin on their lap and think, 'yeah but how neat is their apartment?' Does this just falsify every piece of wardrobe, every action, every joke, comment, or story, viewing them as if under stage lights, only meant to portray something not entirely real?

It is this thought strand that, on one hand, terrifies me of the dating scene, but on the other, makes me realize something that completely relaxes me. This rant of built-up fabrications only occurs when two people come into contact whom have never met previously. Well what about the other scenario? The more common scenario, based on a survey I didn't actually take. I'd be willing to bet that the majority of people currently in relationships have had some previous contact with their now significant other before that first date ever happened. Whether its classmates, coworkers, same circle of friends, or just moving at a slower pace, more times than not, you already have somewhat of an idea who someone is before you wine and waltz the night away. And realistically, doesn't that make the most sense? I'm not saying you should be best friends with someone before you ever decide to date, but what's the harm in getting to know someone a little, test the waters, per se? It has to be better than jumping into a lake, when who knows what is lurking. At least I hope so.