Its amazing to think about what we do to find 'love.' I only put it in quotes because it's impossible to define, so it will hopefully be more clear what I'm talking about by the end of this. But my point is, I can't believe how much time and thought goes into the lives of those hopeful tables for one when it comes to breaking down the details of the dating world. And before I even get started, I fall in and out of this regrettable trend, so I'm using this as much to help myself as helping anyone else who stumbles on this.
Think about how many relationship-type scenarios you know of in your life. Think about how many people in your life, friends, family, coworkers, you come in contact with through the course of a day or week or month are currently dealing with some form of a significant other, or at least someone that is more significant than one night Nancy from the local pub. So of all those situations, how many of them are simple? How many of them were boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, date, engage, marry, and here we are? On the other side, how many of them were in some sort of game? Some sort of sign reading, questioning motives, are you in or out, who else are you talking to you, are we exclusive, lets take a break, what do you mean 'we were on a break so i thought it was OK,' or any other sort of jumbled mess with some alternative lettering besides A to B...
So why the complications? Because we're all so scared that the person we're with isn't the right one. Because we fear that sort of long term commitment with someone we're not 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt unequivocally undeniably unfathomably positive that this person is the right one, the chance for 'true love,' the chance to live a fairy tale and end with happily ever after. Because they weren't how you drew them up, but at the end of the day, was your drawing wrong? Because everyone deserves to be happy, so what if this is your only shot at happiness. Because if you don't find someone in the next year then you're going to be too old to find someone. Because dying alone ranks number one on your list of fears. Because people keep telling you that this makes sense. Because everything we've been told has conditioned us to believe we know how we're supposed to feel and what we're supposed to say and what we're supposed to do and how we're supposed to act.
So we take what we have, or what we think we have, and we analyze, we reach, we hope, we twist our minds, and we bend the rules in order to cookie cutter our lives into something that looks clean on the outside. And we rush decisions based on a few looks exchanged and a few minor interactions. And we think that the next person you meet might be the last person you meet. And the next person you kiss might be the last person you kiss. No more first dates. No more meeting the parents. No more secrets being revealed. That 'next step' of life becomes the 'B' on your path. And you finally get to see the future, family kids, dinner parties, vacations, picket fences and walk in closets. Everything makes sense.
Then there's reality.
And the reality is that we break our backs and rack our brains and strain our hearts and the start of the resemblance or something or anything that turns out more often to be nothing. And why? Well we do it BECAUSE of everything I've already stated, but why are we forced to do it? Because no one seems to have the ability to just be open. I recently read a quote that basically said you can't understand how someone views the world unless they talk about themselves. Otherwise, how can you trust them? I paraphrased that because I don't want to re-listen to the podcast where I heard it, but how I interpret it is someone who don't talk about their life is hiding something. Hiding feelings, secrets, motives, agendas, whatever. They're like raccoons, quickly fleeing the scene when too bright a light is cast. Why? Cause they're up to no good. And same with people. Because too many solo-fliers standing next to the bar have an agenda, a plan to deploy. And so the event becomes reciprocated acts of strategy. Whatever happened to, 'hey, I'm interesting in starting something with you, hopefully getting to know each other, and seeing where it goes.' Unless your agenda is, 'honestly, I hope you're good in bed because I don't even want to remember your name.' Then just go with that! Take the guess work out.
Now, don't get me wrong, the game, the chase, the courting process should be fun. You can't treat the whole thing like a contract. 'If you agree, please sign on the line. Great, thanks... the first date will be in 4 days. Please pick me up. Awesome.' There is still room to have fun, and the 'getting to know you' process should always feel new and exciting, assuming you like the person. But just don't get caught in this, 'I don't know what to do,' 'I really like him but...' 'I need to wait for a clear sign,' and 'he needs to prove his love before anything can move forward.' These are just opportunities for failure. Avoid them, if you can. Be up front with people. It's the least you can do. Because going on the chase can be fun, but letting people chase when you know they'll never catch you is much worse than the truth. Nobody deserves anything less than the truth. No exceptions.
Artists these days face a relatively constant struggle between remaining true to their roots and blending in with main stream culture. Unless their roots are main stream culture, then the path from A to B is pretty straight forward. But in general, at least with much of the music I listen to, bands start out of a desire to do something different and to be on their own.
Young bands come out with a raw, unpolished sound and attitude that screams of 'you're never going to change us.' It can be this edge that drives bands to discovering a niche in in the industry enough to achieve mild to moderate success. This 'edge' doesn't have to be something hard or heavy. Bands of every genre don't usually assemble because they want to be just like someone else. Granted, there are groups of high school kids that pick up a guitar and think, 'someday, we're going to be the next Nickelback,' but honestly, I'm not worried about that group of unfortunate specimen that probably would have better impacted the world if a few sperm would have zigged left instead of right.
But the mass of the young people that pick up instruments, or sit down in front of them, ultimately want to burn their own path through the jungle that is modern music. And, as soon as they find their niche, as soon as they go from backyards and church stages to opening for nationwide tours, from friends as fans to fans as numbers, and everything else that comes along with the slightest stitch of fame, as soon as that switch happens, they get labeled as sellouts. Is that fair?
No.
Well, not always. Sure, some bands only want to make it big so they can, well, make it big. They want the perks that come with being famous, and will shed any sort of prior motivation skin in order to reach stardom. And in doing so, they have become the prototypical 'sellout.'
But consider everyone else. Whatever happened to maturing? To changing? To moving from something that you identified with when you were fifteen onto something that you can more appropriately call your own? So what if you stopped dying your hair and stopped wearing leather spiked bracelets. Maybe that wasn't what you ultimately saw yourself as.
Or maybe it's time to try something new. I recently read something about Tiger Woods. No, not that. But when asked the question of kinda 'what's next,' he replied that winning never gets old. In his mind, he could win 95 majors, but would still get excited about the 96th. For him, winning is all that matters. No more, no less. But not everyone is built like Tiger. Clearly. So sometimes it makes sense to make your claim in one genre, and try out something else. Maybe crossing genres and changing images and rebuilding an entire persona is more impressive than dominating the same field for decades. Sometimes, even your passion can get boring.
So before you slap the proverbial 'sellout' sticker on any icon in the music industry that makes more money now than they did when they were playing in front of high school crowds, consider the possibility that money may not be the only relevant variable in the equation. Even if it probably is...
My inspiration for this post:
Hot topic in the NFL: Concussions. More now than ever, players in the NFL are being treated seriously for concussions and even concussion like symptoms. All positions are susceptible, and all positions are feeling the effects of missing time on the field. This is disrupting fantasy football, Vegas lines, and most importantly, the actual games, playoffs, and ultimately, the champion. So what are we to make of this seemingly over-heightened sense of protection when it comes to matters of the mind? Well I know where I stand.
Football players for decades have played under the code of toughness. You ask anyone that played football before 1995 what happened after they got their bell rung, and all they wanted was the 'how many fingers am I holding up' question to be asked. That's the easiest one. It's not too hard to count fingers. But don't ask them what state they're in or what team they're playing, they probably couldn't answer. All they wanted was some proof that had consciousness so they could get back on the field. The repercussions of the injury were not even an afterthought, they were a no-thought. This was football. This was the sport of men. You didn't let some knock to your head keep you. Broken fingers? Tape them. Sprained ankles? Toughen up. This is how football was.
Well when we look some of those players now retired, is there any way that it was worth it? Guys had to relearn how to read. I was going to list a ton of the effects of concussions and do research on what players are suffering from what problems, but someone forgot how to read. Isn't that significant enough? Think about that for 10 minutes, if you get the chance. Your professional takes such a toll on your body that you are dumbed down to the level of a 1st grader. Seriously. A forty-five year old man can't read because he got hit in the head too much. And people in the world are still okay with this?
So my thoughts on this topic: If I ever have a son, I will do everything possible to prevent him from playing football. I played two years in high school. I had some helmet-to-helmet hits, I felt dazed a few times. Did it ruin my mind, long term? Probably not. I don't know if it had any ill-effects on my body or mind at all. But I only played two years. Never even played varsity. Is there any way that you would want your son, as tough as you think he is, going back on the field when the possibility for serious, long-term injury is severely heightened? Anyone, and I mean anyone, that would be okay rushing a player back onto the field after a concussion, is legitimately dumb. If your dad is some old-school football jock that played through more pain than infantries, then maybe he took one too many hits to the head. Because there isn't a job, sport, profession, or activity in the world that is worth risking someones ability to function at a basic human level when there were methods of prevention available.
It's the most, wonderful time, of the year..... right?
Ha! Christmas music falls on deaf ears with me. Holiday cheer? Bah humbug. Seasons greetings? Right here buddy. Oh holy night? Holy hell shut up! Let's buy things we don't need wrapped in expensive paper just to waste bows and ribbon and patience. Let's shop at 4 in the morning and cut people off in traffic and argue over parking spaces. Let's shop on Christmas eve because the perfect gift is more important than being with your loved ones. Whoooooo!
Okay, so there was some truth in that last paragraph. Some of it I believe in. And maybe all of it could have come out of my mouth in the last few years. But what's the cause for this social rebuttal? Just years and years of being stuffed full of purchased holiday spirit, gift wrapped and hand signed? Maybe? Maybe it's the same reasons why i kinda poo-pooed on Valentines Day and Thanksgiving... It doesn't seem to out of reach for me. But it wouldn't be me if I didn't look at the other side. So that's what I'm going to do.
Aside from the psychotic parents that believe their kids' love can be purchased from Toys R Us, and aside from the annoying coworkers that drizzle 'Seasons Greetings' cards to half the office in the first week of December, and aside from 4am shoppers and Christmas Eve shoppers and Christmas Day shoppers, and aside from cheap, barely functioning appliances and electronics that probably aren't even that good of a deal, even at the low low price of $299, aside from all of that, this really is a special time of year, as long as it is approached with the right attitude.
If you put all of those 'asides' aside, what's the harm in getting caught up in the holiday spirit? It's finally a time of the year that people tend to act with a little more random kindness. It's a time when you think to get a gift for someone that you appreciate them, since no other time of the year is deemed acceptable by our culture. It's a time to take children imaginations to a new extreme, and to keep their senses scintillated with winter decorations and Christmas collaborations. It's a time to pass down family traditions, family recipes, and family ornaments. It's a time to not get mad when someone cuts you off in traffic. It's a time to rejoice in the relationships you have built outside of your family. Work. Friends. Etc. We get to be nice, and not have to have a reason. We get to donate money without looking at our checking account. We get to wear Santa hats and goofy sweaters without judgment. We get to spoil the ones we care about. We get to welcome new members into a family. We get to relive memories of Christmas pasts, immersing ourselves in the pure elation felt when we opened our first board game. Our first gaming system. Bike. Baseball Bat. We get to see family again. Drink hot chocolate. Eat well. Sleep better. For my friends, we get to continue traditions we've started. And for the rest of us, we get to get caught up in a season that reminds us how much good there can be in this country (this sounds a little too much like what Baseball does for America in Field of Dreams... Oh, people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.).
So, has this scrooge been cured? I think it's safe to say my disinterest in the holiday season never settled too deep into my skin, but now, based on what I know, who I have in my life, and where I see my life going, this time of year, above other holidays or seasons or months, but today, and the next 3 or so weeks, represent something more than a holiday. This time represents a state of mind that should make life a little better to live. So before you reject it, try to embrace it. Sometimes, its not worth it to fight what can be inherently good.
Oh, and its December, so I allow myself to watch Love Actually...
